I really struggled getting my shoes on this morning. I was doing it in the dark at 2 a.m. I did’t want to wake up my wife. Some people think you should be asleep at 2 a.m. They have a very narrow sense of propriety. The struggle with my shoes taught me a valuable lesson: You should always put your shoes on the right feet. Once I got the right shoe on the right foot, things went much better.
I sang all the songs pretty loud at church Sunday. I am disappointed to report that I still am tone deaf. My apologies to those who sat near me. The bad thing is I know I can’t sing and seem to get perverse pleasure in making other people around me miserable. Perhaps I should confess that.
I also apologize for thinking that when the Pastor said I deserved a standing ovation that he meant I should stand up. I felt kind of foolish so I gave the queenly wave around the room to my subjects, who seemed to get a big kick out of it. We really need to do a better job of providing entertainment at Sunday Service. By the way, you would think a Pastor would recognize that Jesus deserves the standing ovation. I thought they taught them that at seminary. I know Jesus was in the room, but He showed no interest in taking a bow. My Pastor needs some work as an Emcee.
I am also disappointed to report that I still can’t dance. We did some kind of jewish folk dance at church (Gary and Sally are out of town so I have no explanation of what the dance was.) I didn’t get a single step right. It was embarrassing because people kept pointing at me. Perhaps I should consider dance classes. I will be kind and not point out that most of them weren’t doing the dance right either.
You would think that the first week a guy with a cane comes back to Church the pastor would have the good sense to schedule a service that didn’t require you to pass a physical before participating. But my Pastor has never had a good sense of timing. Good thing He’s about to retire. Maybe the new Pastor will recognize that it’s all about me. But I’m not hopeful.
I still can’t play tennis, mountain climb, lead a palates class, win American Idol or be elected President. No hold up on that I really haven’t tried these things yet so maybe I could do some of them. Surely the President thing can’t be too hard. Look who we have and who we might have.
It’s now three a.m. and still no one is up. I think I will go in the kitchen and rattle some pots and pans. I think I can claim I was fixing everyone breakfast. Tomorrow I’ll let you know how it goes. By the way when you explain to your friends that I was on pain medication when writing this, I have to admit that isn’t true. I haven’t taken pain medication for a while. It was making me too smart. I am considering using it to euthanize my daughter’s dog. Is that a crime?