Loving honesty

How often when asked how things are going have you responded “fine” when life was anything but fine. It’s easier to be nice than to be honest. Frankly, when we ask how things are going, we often really don’t want to know. We certainly aren’t looking for a detailed response. Much of our conversation is so superficial. That’s probably acceptable in general, but in our special relationships, it just won’t do.

In the fourth chapter of Ephesians, while discussing Christian maturity and growing up into Christ, Paul uses the phrase, “speaking truth in love.” That phrase expresses the balance we need to strive for in our serious conversation. While we need to be honest, the truth can be painful. It must be delivered “in love.” Loving honesty is a trait of the mature Christian.

It’s not enough just to say, “I’m telling you that you are a worthless, ugly person, but I’m doing it in love.” Describing our intentions doesn’t make it so. There are elements of loving honesty.

First, there needs to be a loving relationship. For there to be loving honesty, there needs to be love. We can’t expect to dive into stark honesty with strangers and expect to be well received. There first needs to be relationship.

There needs to be privacy. In the military, I learned, “Praise in public, critique in private.” It’s inappropriate to spout out brutal honesty to someone in front of an audience. Our goal is to convey needed truth, not to conduct a public trial.

There needs to be Spirit guidance. Lovingly honesty requires the guidance of the Holy Spirit. Only the Spirit knows the best time and the most fertile ground for the reception of honest communication. In serious conversation, pray before you speak.

We need to be prepared to receive as well as give. One natural response to a perceived criticism is to respond in kind. The response is usually not well thought out and often unloving and untrue. We need to be prepared to field such responses. 

We need to be ready to be unappreciated. When we speak the truth in love, we don’t always receive love in return. In fact, we may lose a relationship. If we have misjudged the strength of the relationship or failed to properly hear from the Holy Spirit, a word spoken in love to a friend, may be our last communication with that person. We need to love the person enough and have a word important enough to give to be prepared to lose the relationship.

Spend some time reading the conversations of Jesus. Consider how honest He was in the words He spoke. You will likely feel uncomfortable in listening to many of His conversations. Words spoken in love are not what we are use to hearing, but we need to learn to make them a part of every important relationship. If we are going to love like Jesus loved, we need to converse like Jesus did.

Nick